A WEE DRINK AND A LAUGH.

 

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” ~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.  

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” ~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

  “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not.” ~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

  “When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” ~ Brian O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. 

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

  “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love  them! 

To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining theBuffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

 

 

 

 

ANIMAL ENCOUNTERS ON THE P.G.A.TOUR.

Please follow link below

http://www.chonday.com/Videos/animalspga2

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Jack’s mates are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
 “Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”
 “Well, I’ve been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked,  ‘Guess who?”
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.  She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey……
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, “Do whatever you want.”
So, Here I am!

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy -reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist

“Could you taste this for me, please?”

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

“Does that taste sweet to you? says Paddy.

“No, not at all,” says the chemist.

“Oh that’s a relief,” says Paddy.

“The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

 

http://parquedaflorestagolfclub.com/3827/3827/

AT THE DISCO

Husband takes the wife to a disco .

There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing , moon-walking , back flips , the works .

The wife turns to her husband and says :

” See that guy ? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down .”

Husband says :

” Looks like he’s still`bl####’ celebrating !`

NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR !!!!

Indian neighbour!!!!

A man received text from his Indian neighbour ... :
"Sorry sir, I am using your wife...I am using day and night ....
I am using when you are not present at home....
In fact I am using more than You are using.....
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt...
Hope You will accept my sincere apologies

Distraught, the man shot his wife.......
Few minutes later he received another text:
Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... Wifi not wife.

On holiday recently in Portugal I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ –

I thought, ‘What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?’

http://parquedaflorestagolfclub.com/2736/2736/

http://parquedaflorestagolfclub.com/2697/2697/

BLOOD DONOR

Subject: : A blood donor 
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but     prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was  located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as     appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of  Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds &  money, but you only
gave me a thank-you card and a box  of  Quality Street .”
To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma  veins”.

LOFT!!!

There are three men who wanted to learn how to play golf, so they hired a golf instructor. The instructor asked the three men to hit the golf ball as far as they can. One man hit way to the right, the instructor yelled, “LOFT!”
Then the second man hit it way to the left, the instructor yelled, “LOFT!”
Then the third man hit the golf ball two feet ahead of him, the instructor yelled, “LOFT!”
The three puzzled men asked the instructor what “LOFT” meant.
The instructor simply said, “Lack of freaking talent!”